Confessions: Part One.


I, like all other people, have at least one story to tell. I, like all other people have a story about a tragedy. I have such a tragedy, but I will not get into the specifics. I will only talk about my reaction to my personal tragedy.

If I do tell anyone about this, and I probably will never mention my particular tragedy, you will probably understand my situation.

Once upon a time, on 12 February 1985, someone died. This hit me really hard, and when at the hospital, there was a Catholic Priest talking to me. See, at that point in my life, I had identified myself as a Catholic. Thus, the Catholic priest was talking to me about it.

I still remember what the priest had told me, “It was God’s will”.

That single phrase hit me hard. In my opinion, that is a huge non-answer. And after having heard what the priest had said, I thought about that phrase. I thought about that phrase a great deal.

See, previous to that phrase by the priest, I was NEVER interested in anything resembling philosophy, or even thinking. Yes, prior to hearing that simple phrase,I was a mindless drone of the military. I knew what I was told to do, and I did it. I knew who to salute and I saluted these people. I knew whose asses to kiss, and I kissed them.

Then, I started thinking for myself. Not only about the “God’s will” thing, but about everything. And I do mean everything!

I was in the Air Force, my career field had been deprecated in 1997, for some reason. But, essentially, my “job” in the Air Force was to train all the time to kill “bad guys”. Yup, that was my whole purpose in the Air Force, to kill “bad guys”. And when I was faced with a real live honest unjustified death, I couldn’t deal with it.

After I received my honorable discharge in 1988, I was still thinking about these things, and I eventually became an Atheist around 1989, right before I entered college.

That single event in 1985 led me to start thinking, go to College, go to University, go to Graduate school, and other things. It wasn’t “god” that did this to/for me, it was me. I did this, all me. No god involved in the process. And, if I could “blame” this course of events on a single person, it was the priest that made me an Atheist, that started me thinking, that had me realize that there is no god, that had me learn all these things that I have learned.

And, then, perhaps if I had remained ignorant. Maybe I would have been happier.

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About Kevin Benko

I'm a fifty-something generic humanoid sack of water and meat.

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